I really feel like I found God. I hope you understand what I am about to say because I couldn’t bear if it comes across as something different than it is. I was raised as a good Catholic girl. Always loved my parents, they loved me, went through Catholic school. the whole nine yards.
I didn’t really think much about God. I figured he was up there, sure. I went to church to please my parents and because it was something I was supposed to do. I enjoyed dressing up, seeing friends, the typical church type stuff. When I went to college this changed as I stopped going to church except holidays with my parents. Then I graduated, first job, first apartment, late nights, no time for church, no desire to go.
I found myself at age 28 reasonably happy, decent relationship, decent job, puppy. Everything you are told will make you happy. But I found myself going into a deeper and deeper feeling that something was missing. Like I was a zombie going through the motions. I went through therapy, tried a few choice medicines, even went back to church. Nada, zip, zilch.
I felt like I was suddenly waking up to the fact that all this stuff I was supposed to want and have and be was fake. It wasn’t what I wanted. I began seeing how everyone around me was walking through the motions. I began doubting that I ever saw anyone happy. I doubted my happiness. It was like everyone had this facade of happy or good and I could see through it.
I began praying to God every night like a little kid. One night I felt this light come over me while praying and this energy flow through me. I felt at peace and sort of filled for the first time in months. Or maybe ever. What was this? Was this God? I feel good now, I feel refreshed, I feel in contact with something bigger than me, like something is enveloping me in sunlight. I know it is God. Obviously I can’t prove it. What do I do now? Do I tell people? Do I help people stop being fake?
I would love to tell you that you found God. That is not for me to say, though. Only you and God can reveal this to one another. I do not say this to get myself out of answering you, truly… it would be simpler for me to say you did. It does sound like you awakened to a power and understanding greater than yourself. What I will say is that our relationship with a power greater than us is deeply personal and is incredibly transformative. It can affect people in a wide variety of ways. Many people come out of it with the comfort that you describe of feeling a presence greater than themselves. You may also feel a feeling of renewed purpose or may understand your place in the world. You may feel anger or grief at waking up and seeing what they or others were before this experience. This is all okay. It is a part of beginning to have a greater understanding of your spiritual nature. I would advise you to foster this experience, continue praying and asking for assistance. Allow for yourself to be enveloped by this sunlight- it will guide you and show you to even greater things than you have already experienced.
This also sounds like the difficulty you are having with the “fake” qualities you notice in people. When you awaken to something greater than yourself, you begin to have greater spiritual understandings than you once did. People have layers of conditioning that envelop them. They have these for many reasons- trauma, fear, patterns that are passed down from family, ancestors, society, gender roles, etc. These layers cause them to forget who they really are. They act fake, like jerks, lie, cheat, steal… it is important when you are seeing this to also begin to see that these are simply layers. They are not who the person actually is. I would suggest if you are at a place where you can see these layers, you are also at a place where you can see beyond them to their true selves. Everyone has a true self, a light of who they really are. They simply do not remember because of these layers. You were likely once one of these people. You may still be one of these people even with the experience you have had. So have compassion and look for their true self under all the fakeness. You may be surprised by what you see.
Interested in submitting to the Spiritual Advice column? Contact me here with the heading “Spiritual Advice”. Please note that I am not an allopathic physician or psychiatrist, and my advice is not intended as substitution for the advice of those professionals. I reserve the right to edit emails for clarity.
Mary Shutan L.Ac, CST-D, CZB, ABT offers readings, services and programs for people undergoing Spiritual Awakening issues, including Kundalini syndrome, as well as for people dealing with psychic abilities. You may contact her to set up a consultation for an appointment or go here for information on readings.