Recently I got into a disagreement with a friend. I had slowly been bothered more and more about how she presented herself to the world and the amount of falsehoods and ego she was using to mask her rather bitter and lonely existence. To me, the first step in solving issues is to face them, to stand in your truth- even if it is a bitter and lonely truth. I can understand why people do not do so, and tried to give her space to figure it out, but I could sense our relationship disintegrating for the last few months of our friendship. She ended up doing something that offended me, and I told her so but immediately forgave her as well as myself for getting upset over something trivial. Instead of apologizing, or at least sitting with the fact that I was offended (and am not the type to get offended easily) and talking over why (as I might have been too sensitive about the situation, or shared in some of the disagreement or chaotic energy and am certainly not perfect) she decided to end our friendship
This was entirely her right to end the friendship, but I was struck by the immaturity of how she handled a simple disagreement and the fact that she would rather disintegrate a friendship rather than discuss the issue like rational adults left a bitter taste in my mouth for a few days.
After exploring this issue through inner work and meditation, I realized that our friendship was toxic. We brought out both the best and the worst in one another and it was better that we were not friends. I no longer wished to have her friendship back, and though I wished her well, I no longer wanted to have any ties to this rather toxic, chaotic person. I had moved beyond my lessons that I had to learn with her, and knew for some time that she was unable to face up to her existence and share and stand in her truth in any real sort of way.
The truth was that although I saw that she was toxic, was hurting, could not face reality, and projected a mask of being a person much different than she was, I did not wish her any harm. I still cared for her. I still could see myself in her- lonely, not wanting to face the world, not wanting to be a part of the world, wanting to be seen as superior, or more enlightened, or more filled with love than she actually was. It is entirely too easy to be caught in a world of ego, of staying with spirit rather than being grounded in any sort of reality. I know these things well. I still cared for that aspect of myself, but recognized that even though that part of me still exists and she was a direct mirror of it, I was slowly reconciling that piece of myself. I no longer needed her as a mirror, because she no longer mirrored what I am currently dealing with.
So what to do? I did not want to erase our history together. There are always some good points to any bond, any relationship. I did not want to numb anything out or feel the need to destroy anything. I simply needed to move on. She no longer needed to provide a mirror to me, and I had long past moved on from the understandings she showed me.
We have all been here. Relationships, friendships, marriages carry a lot of emotion and history. At first, the common response is to wish the person harm, to feel how badly they may have wronged you. To feel anger, “how could they”, fear, abandonment, rejection…After some work and space, you can come to a place of wanting to break your history with them- savor the good moments and release any stored remaining ill will or ties to the person.
So how did I release this relationship? I did two things. First, I cut my cords to her. To cut cords you can scan your body from feet to head and ask your body to show where your cord to that specific person is. When you find it, focus on the cord and the area of your body. Dialogue with it, ask it what it needs to release, why it is still there. Most importantly, tell it you are ready to release it, to cut it, and that you no longer wish to be tied to this person. Ask what lessons there are to learn from the relationship and ask the cord what it would need to leave. Listen. When it is ready, utilize a sweeping motion with your arm to cut the cord and imagine it cutting or dissolving away. Imagine your whole body filling with white light or sunlight, releasing any residual energy from the cord.
What happens if the cord doesn’t resolve or want to cut? Well, this means that you simply have more work to do. I am developing a cord cutting and clearing course if you are interested, or you can schedule an appointment with someone to clear it for you or to teach you how to do so. Or, you can move on to the second part to release more emotions and come to a better place with the person so you are able to repeat cord cutting when you are ready.
You can find more about working with, cutting, and altering cords in my book The Complete Cord Course (available through Amazon as well as other retailers)
The Second Part: Ho’oponopono is a practice that allows for you to take total responsibility for your life. It says that any situation, any person, any thing that comes up comes up through and because of you. This can be a profound thing to grasp. We do not like to take responsibility for things in our lives- there is a lot of hurt and pain out there and taking responsibility for such things seems like an awful thing. But this practice is profound not only because of the belief structure of total responsibility, but also the fact that your are able to change how you are in this world through a simple saying.
The Simple Saying: The saying is I love you, I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you. Draw up an image of the person in your mind. You can do this if you have completed step one (the cord cutting) or not. As long as the person still enters your mind, you can do this. Say these words as if to them. The idea is that you are saying them both to the divine (whatever your concept of that may be) as well as to the person. This is a profound practice that allows you to heal the part of yourself that created that person as well as the situation.
Even if you are not in total understanding or agreement, or are not in a place yet to take total responsibility for your existence, you can do this practice. It is deeply healing and will allow you to come to a new place with the person and on your spiritual path.
Since I have done these two steps, my emotions immediately cleared and I began to experience a deep sense of peace and clarity about the situation. I know that this relationship was at its end, and I wish her well. I no longer have any ties or emotions when I think of her, even when I hear of her. I know our time has passed, and that is completely right and good that it did.