When I was in my early twenties and first suspecting that I was experiencing a Kundalini awakening, I looked everywhere for information. I do not know how many hours I spent looking through resources online (as well as books, and so forth) but I had to wade through so much misinformation, sheer idiocy, and a lot of b.s. until I found a site that resonated with me.

This site had a message board for people experiencing Kundalini. It was run by Bob, who was a nice man who had experienced a Kundalini awakening himself, and in his spare time (he was a computer programmer by trade) decided to program and run this resource for others.

This message board was immensely helpful for me. It allowed for me for the first time to connect with others who were truly having Kundalini experiences and awakenings. I was in a huge state of fear as well as disbelief at that point (who in the modern day has a Kundalini awakening? I thought to myself) and connecting to people who were having similar experiences, who could commiserate or help me manage my experiences a bit better, allowed for me for a few years to traverse my experiences a lot better and not feel so isolated.

After a few years, as the message board got more popular, it started to be inundated by people who were either seekers, and others who maybe had experienced the energy once (a stirring of it, basically). These sorts were generally fine, and people would mostly nicely answer their questions. But then the religious zealots and the intellectual types came. These were people who decided that they were going to tell everyone that they needed to strictly adhere to their beliefs and their understandings of the energy, and generally were a big pain in the butt for anyone genuinely seeking.

Simply put, the website was not intended for them, or even for the aspirational types, but due to it being online, as well as its increased popularity, people like that found the site and ruined it. Bob got understandably tired of running the site (both practically and logistically as well as emotionally I am sure) and shut it down. Although I understood, at the time it was a huge loss for me.

Recently I have been noticing that I have been having a parallel experience as Bob. I started this blog because in my journey it has been my experience that few spiritual teachers or simply just spiritual people talk about certain ideas and experiences. I am realizing more and more why this is as this blog continues, unfortunately.

As the popularity (well, as it is) of this blog has taken off, it has veered away from its core audience, much in the way that Bob’s site did. The intent of this blog was for an audience of people who were distinctly not beginners in their spiritual path. For people who could sit with realizations and subject matter about race, culture, social constructs, and spiritual beliefs… and for people who were at a point in their journey where they could possibly use the information I provide as a catalyst to their own process, or simply to realize that there are other people out there who are not on the surface levels of their spiritual path.

But as it happens, the same parallel experience has been happening to me. People who are beginners on their path, people who are unable to critically think or sit with at times uncomfortable thoughts send me rage-filled emails, blaming me for their discomfort, calling me all sorts of names the way that only people with an unprocessed fountain of emotions within themselves can… unable to see the irony of whatever they are calling me really comes from themselves, and how they are and who they are in this world.

The internet allows for us to show ourselves without filter. Unfortunately this means for most people that they can berate others, bully, and be obnoxious. They can show their shadows, basically. They can show every unprocessed piece of unhappiness and difficulty in their existence to the world. And they do this with fake names to shield themselves and so they can vent outwards their inner pain without ever taking personal responsibility for it.

I am distinctly human, and the types of emails and notes from these types have been wearing on me. I do wish there were some way to put on the site that my blogs are for people willing and able to look beyond where they might currently be. That it is not a blog for beginners, or for people who cling to notions of “being special”, or do not want to look at constructs and illusions that inform them and create their reality.

I wish I could share with these people that when people read material that is beyond their understanding level, they have a choice. They can either sit with it (and reject it or accept it partially or fully)… or they can protect themselves– becoming angry, fearful, or filled with rage so they don’t have to think about it. I wish I could let them know, and actually have them hear, that their outward projection of whatever it is they see is really within themselves… and if they project things outwards (like on the writer of a blog) that they don’t have to take personal responsibility for things, they don’t have to look at why they are so angry and fearful and isolated, or deal with the discomfort that thoughts or writings that strike a chord with them create.

But unfortunately this is not a possibility. I have compassion for the beginner. There is a group I am in right now that I am a beginner in, and I find myself in that state of cognitive dissonance. My eyes sort of glaze over information that is beyond me, and I can read whole threads without understanding much of what is going on. I don’t get angry or rage or become afraid because of new, mind-expanding or uncomfortable information, but that eye glaze and inability to process things is certainly there.

But in reality the whole world is constructed for that beginner spiritual seeker. 99 percent of the books and most of the spiritual communities are intended for the beginner. Most spiritual workshops are as well. There are a wide variety of wonderful healers and spiritual workers and energy workers that are intended for that audience. Unfortunately the beginner who is at point A, B, or C always wants to be advanced yesterday. They want to look at information or do work at Z, or Q, without doing anything with the rest of the alphabet. And they are not able to. And then more cognitive dissonance comes in, with that type sending me nasty thoughts and emails because they don’t understand something, or are blocking themselves from understanding something, or because the blog allowed for them to briefly consider something within themselves… briefly sit with that fountain of unprocessed pain… and they chose to close off as a protective mechanism instead of do work with it.

For people like this, the sort of play-acting of spiritual awakening is much more exciting than the actuality of it. Because the actuality of it is that the path requires you to look inward, to reconcile thoughts and ideas that may be uncomfortable. And most people would rather soothe themselves back to sleep through blaming others rather than taking any sort of responsibility for themselves, their emotions, or their unprocessed traumas that color and create their world.

For the past six months or so I have been going through a new phase with my Kundalini awakening… a resurgence if you will. It has been both difficult and awe-inspiring in many ways. But the single-most thing that has been emerging from this time has been the importance of focus. I take a great deal of time and care with my blogs. In the past, I have considered how I talk so freely about advanced spiritual subjects– subjects that perhaps I should not. I posted a quote from Jung on my Facebook page the other day: “the tendency to keep things secret is merely a natural consequence when the experience is such a thing as you had better not talk about it, for you would expose yourself to the greatest misunderstanding and misinterpretation.” I find this quote to be absolutely true. Basically, I have not only put time into writing the actual blogs themselves, but I have freely shared information and insights that it has taken me decades of meditation, spiritual initiations, and likewise to come upon.

And perhaps my focus should be elsewhere. I am human, and the frustrated beginners do have an effect on me. I get a bit tired of their unprocessed issues, and it has unfortunately gotten to a point where I feel as if I have shared freely topics that not many spiritual experiencers discuss (and again, this is likely part of the reason), and have been met with a lot of abuse from people who would be much better off with information that is more comfortable to them so they can maintain their illusions and not have to question them. I do realize that there are many lovely people who read this blog, people who are willing and able to look at those dark places within themselves, to understand and work below the surface level that so many people are stuck (or want to be stuck) at, and I thank you all dear souls who have written me notes, told me about similar experiences they have had, or have bought my books or worked with me.

It is a rare thing in this world for people to actually awaken. For people to go beyond their illusions. People ready and able to take personal responsibility for not only their own process but what they put out into the world. I deeply admire anyone willing to do this, as it is incredibly rare, and the whole world benefits (really, and truly) from you doing so.

It is unfortunate that a few bad apples have spoiled the bunch, but they have. I will be spending a few weeks considering what to do about this blog– if I want to continue it, if I want to start censoring myself, if I want to share freely just to be met with continual abuse from people unwilling to look inward who wish to project their issues onto me. I will sit with this in meditation as well as process it with one of my teachers (who actually told me in the first place that he is not online and doesn’t participate in spiritual groups for a reason) to see where I want my focus to be. I will write a blog announcing my decision, but if you have enjoyed this blog, I encourage you over the next few weeks to go through and read anything, or to copy anything (please attribute to me if used, of course) that you may wish to ensure that that you, the “good apples” get what you need.

Much love, Mary