Although I still get surges of energy on occasion, and still have more processing to do, I have found myself no longer in the position of “seeker”. I have sought. I am no longer searching for teachers, for gurus… and although I still get grouchy about all of the illusions out there, specifically in the spiritual communities, I no longer participate in them or their illusions because I simply have no need to. With the release of the mind I became comfortable with dualities and opposites living comfortably within one another, and became entirely focused on the internal experience, and no longer have any need to argue with others, to prove myself, to be in spiritual competition, or to have the sort of external focus that is the primary focus for most spiritual seekers (including myself previously). Although I occasionally go to classes, as I recognize the need for community and the realization that there are some patterns that are better released in a communal or group structure (as well as need continuing ed for my professional license), I no longer have the need to achieve. I simply am who I am, and although there are now few people in this world who resonate with me, I realize that those who do appreciate who I am and the work that I do. And I simply do what I do because it is what I want to do, it is the right time for me to do it, and I recognize the energies that are providing me the momentum to do so.
I discovered the power of emotions, of the primal self, of darkness. We distance ourselves from our animal natures, from our sexuality, from our anger and fear… and I discovered those emotions and experiences are just as powerful and blissful as the happiest joy… and that they are all different currents of divinity. I am still working on this process, but there is a beauty in anger that is different, but as beautiful as joy. There is wonder in the darkest, basest, and most primal aspects of ourselves– aspects that we often (or I often) in previous states wanted to transmute into something else or ignore completely. There is a place of total freedom with sitting with disease, with physical pain and fatigue, and simply being with it… and not judging ourselves because of it or wanting it to be something else. It is only recently that I have made peace with the fact that there are days that I will not feel well, that my physical body will be unwell, and to take care of it in those moments… and that there are moments where I feel at the peak of health and feel bliss move through me that is indescribable. Finding beauty and flow in both of those states is where my interests currently lie.
It is only recently (the last year or so) that Kundalini has been flowing through my physical muscles with a focus on my bloodstream and my organs, specifically my heart. There are spiritual vessels and structures around and surrounding the heart that open our capacity to truly feel love for all creation. Although I have opened some of these vessels, or have felt some of them flickering, it is still a work in progress, as it is for Kundalini to be working through every organ, and eventually every cell of my body (I have received visions of this, but am not there yet). Although I have accepted myself on the deepest level, I am still at the point of flickering when it comes to true self-love. Although I recognize the divinity in others, it is still difficult for me to not focus on the chaos, the layers of conditioning, and the sleep in others first. Like I said, I am constantly unfolding and learning and growing, and am continually open to unfolding more.
I now no longer identify as having a “Kundalini awakening” even though I have had one, because the experience of energy is not the antagonistic sort of divine forcibly opening the midline type of experience that I once had, and a Kundalini awakening in itself refers to the experience of the singular individual experiencing the flow of divinity within them– a relationship of “I” vs. divinity… I no longer feel as if those are separate things, or an either/or relationship. I feel in consistent flow with very little flickering, and if it is it is just a pushing of the state into the background as I attend to external reality.
I can see and experience how much illusion there is in the world, and how much of it is necessary. When I look back at the experiences and understandings and initiations that I have had they are understandably terrifying to anyone currently experiencing them, or similar experiences. I have a lot of compassion and admiration for anyone going through any type of awakening who is actually willing to awaken rather than further perpetuate or create illusions to help them feel safe and in control, to help them feel as if they know everything. Most people prefer to awaken to their own illusions rather than seeing with clarity. I now realize that there is no way anyone can have the answer to everything, no way one person can know the totality of the cosmos. I can recognize the fear and illusion in others who pretend to, though… and the fear and illusion in others who follow them.
There is constant unfolding for me– I can now see and work with the structures above my head and way above my crown. To me these look like ovals and crowns that allow for us to receive divinity directly, without having to filter it through the grids of societal and global-type energies. I realize there is much more that I haven’t experienced, though… even with all I see and know I now know that I can only understand and consciously process but a small part of it. And that is okay with me. I no longer need to know everything, or even understand everything I experience. I just meditate and process what comes up, acknowledge what is coming up, and now have the tools to deal with it. I no longer focus on the future, on what might happen in the future, and on getting to the next step in my spiritual process. I focus on the now, and whatever comes up is what I need to work on.
In general, my interests have changed a great deal. I used to be interested in the most involved and advanced energy work, or psychic abilities, or magic/occult material, and getting to the top of my field in bodywork, energy work, acupuncture, craniosacral therapy, and so forth. What has replaced this need for achievement and need to cultivate the most advanced states is an interest in embodiment and the cultivation of inner states. It is more impressive to me now when someone can fully awaken and be in their physical body rather than someone who can predict a catastrophe or who can call down the most massive energies. It is more impressive to me when someone has awakened with the understanding that the physical body and the emotions are of vital importance, that embodiment and our senses are of vital importance, than someone who is pretending to be an avatar or fully awakened being who knows everything and doesn’t understand that the spiritual is right here (not off some place) and that whomever they are they do not understand everything… rather than perpetuating the myth that being awake means that you are no longer human, that you no longer have emotions, and that being “awake” means that you will always be physically a perfect specimen with the answer to any and every spiritual query.
Humility and a willingness to continually unfold spiritually, continually becoming more embodied, continually becoming more and more human, continually being willing to look for more and more clarity rather than be stuck in illusion are rare qualities, and are beautiful on the rare occasion I see them in others. It is much more impressive to me when someone is willing to see how small they are than on building themselves up to be seen as a guru, or spiritual teacher, or god/dess.
I have peace in my life now, and although I still sometimes flicker when I am processing something, it is not to the intensity, the emotions, or the physical difficulties that it once created, and even great difficulties or large energies when coming through create chaos and then pass through to stillness and peace. My life is not chaotic, it is peaceful. It is simple. Even in chaotic and not-so-peaceful moments I rely on my inner stillness to pull me through. And although I work with people who are in a great deal of chaos, or in need for spiritual healing for difficult life circumstances and happenings, I do so from a place of general peace, compassion, and stillness.
It is important to understand that Kundalini, or any type of spiritual awakening, is an ongoing process. It is one that is hard to describe all of the elements of (and there are definitely some I have missed or only glossed over in a two part blog). I still have days of surges of energy, of fatigue, days of compassion and bliss and days where I wonder why I am awake while the rest of the world is seemingly asleep. I get physical issues, I have emotions, and I am certainly not perfect, nor do I pretend to be. Most of the spiritual community is hyper-focused on this idea of perfection, and how gurus or teachers or “awakened” people need to be perfect, and if they are not they must not be “awake”. If anything, awakening allows for us to embrace our “imperfections”, and to fully show them to the world without worry as a vital part of ourselves.
But it certainly is possible to work through a Kundalini awakening. It is possible to surrender. It is possible to gain the tools, the understandings, the realizations to have a profound level of peace, bliss, love, and understanding of who you truly are and what your path is in this world that few people awaken to. I do programs, as well as individual consultations via Skype/phone for people walking this path… to share the knowledge that I wished that someone, that anyone could have given me. You can contact me with interest.