Releasing Relationships

Letting Go of Toxic People and Energy Vampires

Do you have someone in your life that drains you? Every time you are around them the situation is always about them, their issues, their victimhood, their chaos. We all have people in our lives like that. People who are toxic, lost, chaotic, broken, severely traumatized, or narcissistic. Some of us have people in our lives who go beyond that and are significantly mentally ill or toxic to the point that they have lost all source of reason. Some people are Energy Vampires, or people that suck all of the energy out of the people and even environments that they interact with.

There was a point that I had someone like this in my life. Over the years I soaked in new-ager mythologies about how “we create our reality” and that everyone was an extension of myself. I believed that somehow my emotions and beliefs and woundings created this person and their mental illness, their victimhood, and their inability to not only be unable to take care of themselves but a lashing out and toxicity towards anyone that tried to get them help or was compassionate towards them.

In my own life since I was relatively sane and stable I tried to have compassion for this person. I tried to see them as an extension of myself. I tried to reason with myself that they didn’t understand what they were doing. But I realized that in doing so I was harming myself.

It is great that we take responsibility for ourselves, for our lives. Most of us do not. Most of us are still fully asleep in our own lives and not able to take much responsibility for our lives. We feel victimized by our lives, our circumstances. Some of us begin to awaken and we begin to believe that we have total responsibility for our lives. In fact, we are the creators of our own world, and anything that goes wrong with it is because we are not thinking right or acting right.

It is our fault, basically. This type of thinking is yet another illusion, and it is problematic. It is wonderful when we begin to take responsibility for our lives. We really should. Most of us don’t. But there is another layer, that of the people around us creating their own lives, our communities creating the reality of our communities, and our world creating the reality of the world. We are not the center of the universe. We dream our world into existence only to a certain extent. And beyond that we dream our world into being as families, societies, and the world… and beyond that we are part of divinity, and divine flows, and sometimes stuff just happens.

Most people do not awaken to this. Most of the world is asleep. And those who are awakening like to believe that they create everything. It is empowering to do so– to believe that you are in total control of everything in your life if you just think and act right. Unfortunately, this is a myth. We are not the center of the Universe. We do create our own reality, but so is the person next to us creating theirs. And they may be broken, toxic, asleep, and harmful to you and your wellbeing.

The truth is that even if you think right you may be mugged, that the starving five year old doesn’t need to take personal responsibility for everything. Some things that happen, in fact many things that happen, are not because of us or our wrong thinking or acting. It is because of community, societal, or world dreaming… it is because of spiritual divine flows and reasoning and stuff just happening. We are not in control, and we are in control… but only to a certain extent.

It took me a long time to cut this person out of my life because for so long I wanted to believe that if I was only more compassionate, or if I ignored them, or if I tried to reason with them or understood with clarity that they would change. I tried new age reasoning that I created this person, I had compassion for this person, and what ended up happening is that they took advantage of my compassion. Every interaction with them sucked me dry, it made me feel terrible, and I felt responsible for their feelings and their brokenness because I am sane and stable and they are far from it.

While I suggest to everyone that they see if they can mend their relationships, especially with family, and work through ancestral and personal traumas (the whole taking personal responsibility thing) it is important to note that there are people out there that no matter how much you heal yourself will not heal. You healing your own thoughtforms will not bring someone out of mental illness. You healing your own addictive tendencies will not cause anyone else to stop being an addict. We are responsible for our ourselves, our own beliefs, our own traumas… but other people have their own that we really have nothing to do with. Again, we are not the center and sole creator of the Universe. We just are not.

When you get to a point of clarity about what you can and cannot take personal responsibility for it is a choice to have certain people in your life, even if they are family or close friends. A relationship should be an equal energetic exchange, meaning that you give and receive 50 percent in a relationship. A lot of relationships don’t do this– it may be 60/40 or 30/70. A lot of these relationships can be worked with and healed. But there are some relationships that are 10/90 or 0/100 and these are toxic and can be harmful to us. With the clarity of how we feel and what we are receiving from this person, we can make a logical and compassionate decision to not have a toxic person or an Energy Vampire in our lives.

By saying this I am not saying to abdicate responsibility for an autistic child, or a mentally ill family member, or a friend who is an addict. But there is a questioning process here of how much of an impact they have on us, how much energy we are willing to give, how much of our own sanity we are willing to give. If it is an autistic child this may be a much greater percent than an addict. I cannot tell you what to do in your own life. But what I can say is that it is worth questioning if the energy vampire friend, the narcissist who is unable to listen you or anything you say, the mentally unsound family member who creates nothing but violence and chaos, or the work colleague who you feel extremely drained by are people who you wish to extend your own energetic reserves, emotions, and general sanity for.

Ideally all of our lives can be peaceful, and filled with people who bring energy and beauty into our lives. As we awaken we may notice that the people we once held as friends, the family members who once pulled us into their own issues, and the work environment we once disliked but couldn’t put an exact reason why are toxic or even dangerous for us. We may naturally find ourselves parting from these environments. This may be a painful process. We may find how we have engendered these people and places and need to take personal responsibility for our part in creating them. But we also may find out that these people and environments are toxic all on their own and decide that the best decision is to sever ties from them.

I will say that it is typical in the awakening process to see the patterns in everything and everyone… except our own… especially at first. To see everyone around us and even the world as a toxic and horrible place. At this point it is healthy and relevant to look back at ourselves and heal ourselves. Later we can remain with people who have trauma and issues and even the worst energy vampire/ taker of energy in the world and be okay. But it is our ability to make that conscious choice of who we want to interact with, who we want to have in our lives that is key. And it is okay to let some people and situations go if they are not serving us.

The Energetics of Facebook Part 2: Gurus

A few weeks ago I wrote Part One of this series (which you can access here) which went over the basic energies of Facebook and the typical Facebook user. Very basically, when we use technology we are living from the neck up, meaning that who we are vitally as people and who we then project or create an illusion of ourselves being on Facebook are two separate things. This disconnect also means that our “shadow” selves, meaning that the anger, bitterness, and general animosity that is pervasive in so many of our lives, and that we choose to ignore or not deal with, comes out full force because it does not have the typical filters that come with the physical form.

Some of the most interesting dynamics I have encountered are by Facebook “gurus”– people who have designated themselves as spiritual teachers, some with a fairly large following.

It is a natural progression on any path, spiritual or not, to become a teacher or mentor at some point to others. Specifically spiritual teachers have typically had a great deal of trauma, pain, and imbalances in their lives. These issues and traumas have taught us a great deal, made us more sensitive, and allowed for us to really hold space and understand where others who have been traumatized similarly, are coming from.

This is actually in its natural state a beautiful process. The teacher or “spiritual” sort works through their trauma, lets go of identification with it, the chaotic energy behind it, and the belief systems that have been created by it, and so can recognize and help others work through that same, or similar states. When you are able to recognize and work with a teacher or healer who has walked the path of the “wounded healer” and has come out the other side there can be very deep and transformative work that happens. They are able to hold space, or witness, your transformation without agenda and without inserting themselves or their issues into the equation.

But this rarely happens, especially with Facebook “gurus”. Most of the Facebook gurus I see are still actively living out their traumas and subsequent belief systems that have been created by them. They are still in a place of creating drama or are putting on a mask of being “enlightened” while at the same time participating in and creating drama and chaos. Trauma is chaos. When someone is still engaged with it their life will be chaotic and they will willingly participate in chaos.Their followers will on some level understand this and be drawn to this Guru because they wish to participate in the chaotic and often negative energies that this person provides time and again. This is not to say that shit doesn’t happen in all of our lives, even if we are not trapped in a cycle of chaos. But our reactions are different when we have risen above and walked through our traumas. We no longer are part of the energies of the chaos and can witness them rather than amplifying them. We are in a place of quiet examination rather than negativity, emotion, and chaos (yes, I am using that word a lot, because it is how the energy of trauma presents).

So the Facebook guru posts endless facts about what abuse they have suffered, how their lives have been awful, along with pictures of themselves and quotes from themselves in an attempt to gain attention and to satisfy their need for energy from their followers to alleviate their own trauma energy. Again, I am not saying that someone should not post pictures of themselves, or that the sharing of their lives is somehow wrong. But the endless stream of narcissistic pictures, quotes and memes with their names at the bottom that they have created, and the endless loop of reveals about the abuse, trauma, and darkness (from an emotional and not a quiet reflective place made to assist others through that some process instead of satisfying their own energy that comes with revealing something like that) that they have endured shows that they are still fully engaged in their own issues. This means that they do not really have space in their lives to help others, are not really in a place to teach, and is also engaging a dynamic in which they are essentially energy vampires, needing energy and attention from their followers. The posts are about them, basically, and their needs. For energy, for attention, for chaos, for drama. A Spiritual Teacher should be at the point to help you walk through your own personal hell– not to introduce you to the flames of theirs.

Let me explain this last part because it is important. When you are friends with someone it is supposed to be an equal exchange of energy (it rarely is, but let us pretend). When someone is a spiritual teacher they are supposed to be far enough away from their own stuff that they can provide insight and allow space so that their students can transform without the teacher needing anything from them. This is a big deal. Most spiritual teachers I see on Facebook are actively engaged in cording and taking energy from their students and followers. They are still deeply engaged in trauma patterns which create a need and craving for attention. This creates a loop in which the teacher is not feeling well and will begin to post flattering pictures of themselves to get compliments or horror stories in which they reveal their past to get responses. Some spiritual teachers will also engage in arguments or create chaos within their followers for the purpose of feeding on energy as well.

Although this sounds a bit harsh, it is simply what happens. There are wonderful spiritual teachers out there who are far away enough from their own issues that they can hold space for your own… without any agenda on their part. There are wonderful spiritual teachers out there who have been to hell and back, or survived things that would make most people traumatized for their entire lifetimes and have seen the other side and have worked through the trauma so it no longer has no resonance. Most of the “Spiritual Teachers” out there, however are not of this ilk. They are actively feeding on the energy of their followers because they are traumatized and have not worked through that trauma. Many of them do this unconsciously, posting pictures and quotes and creating drama and chaos and negativity without realizing that they are doing it to feed on the energy of their followers. Many spiritual teachers do not realize that their students or followers are a reflection of themselves– and if there is a great deal of discord, animosity, anger, and issues within their students that the dynamics of their “group” is a direct reflection of their own emotional state and issues they have not yet worked through.

However, some teachers do this very actively and with purpose. This is somewhat rare, but a few teachers out there (this is rare for the Facebook guru, but it happens) will specifically cord and create energetic structures (and all sorts of complex contracts and weird alliances we will not discuss here) for the explicit purpose of draining energy from their students in order to receive power. It is rare that the “Facebook guru” knows how to do this– most of them have very, very little power, or concept or connection to their own power, otherwise they wouldn’t need to feed and create issues like they do.  But it is worth a mention because it is out there. I do work with this… so if you have participated with a group, guru, or school/organization that you feel weird about, or like your energy was taken (or still is being taken), you can contact me and we can release any ties you have to them.

In Part Three of The Energetics of Facebook I will examine group dynamics. Stay tuned, and thanks for reading!