Self-Worth and Justifying your Existence

” Reactionary behavior only happens when beliefs are underlain by doubt”– Esther Veltheim

For a long time I attempted to justified my existence on Earth. When I was younger I entered (and won) writing contests and art contests. I constantly strove to prove myself by my accomplishments. I was a bit of a troubled, emotional kid who was intensely private (for a lot of reasons that are probably evident by many of my writings now). Through my writings and art I proved myself. I wasn’t troubled– I was an artist. An artist who had her work up in the school hallways, an artist who got flown down to the state capital to read her short story.

When I got older I justified my existence by earning a ridiculous amount of credentials and taking every course, workshop opportunity, reading every book, pamphlet, and joining multiple groups in order to prove my worth. I was never showy with what I learned– I was actually pretty embarrassed at how young I was and how much I had accomplished. People would frequently ask me (and still do) how I got so many credentials in such a short period of time and quite frankly if it were solely up to me I wouldn’t have. Kundalini energy can be really intense, and a powerful force to drive someone forward in really dramatic fashion. But yet there still was this desire to have the highest credentials, take the most advanced classes, become the most advanced practitioner in my field that came solely from me that I take personal responsibility for.

About four years ago this all came to a screeching halt. All of a sudden I didn’t want to do anything. I want through an extended existential crisis about how small I was, how insignificant I was, and all the accomplishments in the world in the grand scheme of everything, in the totality of the cosmos was simply a drop in the ocean of divinity, no matter what I accomplished. All I wanted to do was sleep, to enjoy the peace, to no longer take classes or workshops or achieve anything.

Although I still take courses (the ones that interest me on occasion or when I need continuing education requirements for my license) there is no longer a sense of needing to prove who I am. Through the last four years I have gone through and thrown out (or scanned) old notes… read, sold, or given away hundreds of books that I once owned, dropped out of most of the groups I was in, and no longer have any interest in competitive spirituality, in justifying who I am as a healer or an artist or a person.

I see this same justification for existing residing in most of the people I meet. Since my focus is on spiritual communities, I will focus there, but it really shows up in a multitude of ways in many arenas. At a certain point I read the quote above “Reactionary behavior only happens when beliefs are underlain by doubt” and it really struck me. Anyone who knows me or my writing knows that I am not a quoter– I prefer to speak from my own direct experiences. But this quote was a catalyst to me understanding this need for justification of myself for so long, and why others have this same need.

When we are who we truly are… when we have no doubts about who we are… when we understand that we are valid as who we are… we no longer have to prove ourselves to anyone. We can just emanate who we are. We do not react if others question who we are. When we understand that our spiritual experiences are valid, we no longer have any doubts and can act from that place of validity.

When we do have doubts, when we have self-worth or self-esteem issues we are constantly in this reactionary space, in this space of needing to prove ourselves and justify our existence(s), That person who constantly talks about what they achieved, the person who creates drama by saying what a “Shaman” or how “awake” they are or how everyone else but them is “stupid” or “playing” in groups is reacting from a place of trauma and a place of doubt. The person who is engaging in conversation in a yoga class or meditation circle (or just in a regular social situation) where the topic goes to spirituality or esoteric-type matters who announces who they studied with and how long they have been meditating still is in a reactionary place of self-doubt.

We all have trauma, and it is healthy to have doubts and to deeply consider our spiritual experiences and if they are valid or not. But when we know who we are we do not have to justify ourselves. We can merely speak our opinions without interjecting our teachers names or how long we have been studying, we do not have to call ourselves “awake” or “enlightened” to others, we do not have to start up conversations about how attractive we are, how good we look, how in shape we are (or not), how we are a Shaman or healer or our certifications and licenses and jobs and how we feel others are objectifying or being reactionary or creating drama because of our loud proclamations and justifications about who we are. We can just simply be. 

When I started my path 15 years ago doing Reiki I was really worried about how I would be perceived. I found that along the years the more I accepted myself, the less difficulty that people have with me and what I do. Now, if someone comes to me I can simply tell them that they have spirit attachments, or an ancestral curse, or are going through a Kundalini awakening (or whatever the case may be) and 99 percent of the time people listen to me and accept it. The same goes for my physical practice– when people came in wanting Acupuncture I used to give them Acupuncture. Now, if I know that they need CranioSacral Therapy or integrated therapies I simply tell them. My point here is that the more we accept ourselves the less outer chaos, the less flak we will get from others. Much of our drama, our feeling not accepted or judged is coming from our own chaos, our own non-acceptance.

When we are who we are we can simply emanate it. We can emanate our power. We do not need to justify it, or ourselves. Other people will sense and know who we are by us simply being who we are.

When we fully know who we are and no longer have self-doubts or self-worth issues… when our own inner chaos stops… when we fully embody who we are in our daily lives… the people surrounding us who we perceive judging us or ridiculing us or creating drama will stop (99 percent of the time).

When we are who we are, when we no longer doubt ourselves or our experiences, when we have confidence and fully embody who we are to the outer world… we no longer have the burning desire to achieve, to prove our worth through workshops and certifications and gurus and books and groups and jobs and possessions and proving our superiority about a subject in groups and social circles. We can just simply be. We may still take courses, or interact with others, or be in groups… but it is from a place of certainty of who we are.

When we are who we are without doubts we can notice when others are reacting from their own self-doubt. When they still need to prove themselves, when they are still in the vicious cycle of proving their self-worth, proving that their existence matters, that they matter. And we can have sympathy for them and all of the chaos that is caused because of this.

The truth is that most of us are still trying to justify our existence. And we do not need to. We are perfect the way that we are. We can always learn more, know more, be more… but we never need to justify ourselves, to create chaos and drama in a constant attempt to try to prove ourselves finally worthy. We can step out of this vicious cycle and simply be… whoever and whatever we are at this very moment. We can emanate that. Be secure in that. Have confidence in that. And when we do that reactionary cycle, the chaos and drama in our lives that is fueling and proving that we constantly need to justify ourselves and our very existence will stop.

We can have self-love, we can have certainty about who we are. When all of the violence towards ourselves stops we come to a place of peace in our lives. We move forward with the certainty of who we are and what we are intended to do here in our short lifetimes. We can still achieve, we can still do. We just move from a place of inner knowing in our lives. We no longer need to justify our existence to ourselves or anyone else. We can just simply be.

Geomagnetic Storm Meditation: Raising Your Frequency through Meditation

In case anyone is feeling out of sorts: there is a geomagnetic storm going on right now (for the next 15 hours or so)… which in very simple terms causes solar winds to increase the pressure within the Earth’s magnetic fields. If you are out of balance, or are still working within the confines of cosmic consciousness, you will feel headaches, fatigue, lack of concentration, and basically feelings of heaviness and not wanting to do much.

If you are able to work with this, or want to learn how to absorb this energy for your own use, it is a great time to ground yourself, use this extra magnetized energy to build up your aura and subtler energy bodies, which will allow for you to be a bigger “force” in this world, build up your aura, as well as can be used as a manifestation tool.

© Patricia Betts | Dreamstime Stock Photo

© Patricia Betts | Dreamstime Stock Photo

Working with the Geomagnetic Storm: Note of caution, do not do this if you are not feeling balanced. It actually creates a pretty big leap forward in consciousness if you do it right (friendly warning) and is considered a medium to advanced meditation (as in, don’t do this if it is your first time trying to meditate).

The Meditation:
• Sit in a favorite meditation pose, ideally outside or at the very least with your feet touching the ground or earth.
• Allow yourself to briefly check in with your physical body, your energy bodies, until you can sense the outer edges of your aura which basically forms a “bubble” surrounding you
• Now bring your focus to the Earth as a whole- get a sense of the windy, magnetic energy that surrounds and penetrates the earth right now
• Again bring your focus back to your energy bodies
• Allow for the magnetic energy of the Earth energy to slowly merge into the outer edge of your aura on all sides, filling up the “bubble” of your aura evenly. You should feel this as a buzzing, heavy energy, or may see it as a light
• Allow for this energy to slowly expand and fill your aura.
• If you are ready, it will create a new “ring” or band in your energetic field, allowing for you to connect with earth energies and solar energies on a deeper, more intimate level.

Advanced Meditation
If you are able to feel/visualize the band/ring, you may choose to continue
Aura/Field Building: Consolidation of The Ring
• Allow for the ring to fully consolidate around you
• Look to see if there are any broken lines or unevenness to the ring. If there is, allow for your focus to go to the space you notice that is fractured, broken, or uneven and allow for the vibration to build it up
• Allow for your focus to go back to the ring until you can sense or see the ring even, bright, and full completely surrounding you.
• Move the ring slowly in and out, closer to your body and further into your body (between one inch and 12 inches away from your body). Feel or see where it is most comfortable.
• Allow for the ring to permanently settle in to your field where it feels comfortable.
• Meditate on the ring, feeling the vibration, getting to know it. Ask the ring how it can remain permanently with you, what gifts it has for you, and how you can utilize it.

Manifestation Using The Ring
• Connect with the buzzing/frequency of the band that is now a part of your field.
• Visualize or speak out loud what you would like to manifest. Make it simple to begin with.
• Realize that with manifesting it is a co-creation: you and the Universe. Meaning that you may get what you ask for, but it is likely not going to be exactly how you may wish for it to occur.
• Feel, visualize/allow for the frequency to carry that message like waves coming off of you into the earth and all directions (basically visualize or feel the expansion of the ring that is now a part of your aura until you feel it reach its target).
• Once you feel that it has reached its target, the sensation of the ring surrounding you will build back up again and you will have an inner sense of knowing.