I am not sure at what point I realized that our resistance is our wounds.
Resistance can be, of course, that logical part of your brain telling you that you are going to do something stupid, and perhaps you shouldn’t do said thing… but often is more the wounded, frightened, aspects of ourselves resisting us moving forward, becoming healthier or more whole, or us moving into deeper realization (and away from our current thoughts, worldview, and conceptualization of who we are).
Our spiritual awareness is continually guiding us and showing us ways in which we can find out more authentically who we are. We continually meet people who could assist us on our paths, are surrounded by support (spiritually if not physically), and will have signs around us showing how we can evolve or become more whole.
The difficulty is being aware enough or open enough to see such signs. When we are unhealed we are disconnected, and will not notice these signs. The modern world is already quite disconnected as it is, and we are flooded with information that can create confusion rather than a pointing to such quiet (by comparison) experiences.
Such signs can, unfortunately, on the other end of the spectrum, be hooked into and/or used for illusion or solipsism, instead of being treated simply as useful information or an awareness of what happens to someone when they engage with the world in a more connected state.
Put more simply, if we are so excited and focused on one sign, we may ignore the forty others in our day. If we “hook into” said sign and need to know the meaning, endlessly discuss it and ask for advice on the internet about it, chances are that it will devolve from something meaningful and personally significant to something muddled and unclear that is never anything but a mental process (rather than understanding, absorbing, and taking action as a result of such information).
If we consider what is unhealed within us as a crowd of inner children (and adults), family, ancestors, past lives, and other residual or cluttering energies, it is like a crowd of unhelpful, traumatized voices.
These voices are understandably resistant. They are stuck in their trauma and cannot envision another way. They are unclear, emotionally reactive, and often stubborn.
What is unhealed in us is what has become disconnected; it has become disassociated and has taken on the beliefs and understandings that emerged from the trauma. It no longer feels connected to people, to the world, or to the sacred. In such disconnection, connection of any kind is a wistful longing rather than something that could be forseen actually occurring.
One of my “canned speeches” to people (and a significant part of my sessions/the Body Deva work that I do– book out in March 2018) is that trauma creates beliefs. Beliefs about the self and beliefs about the nature of the world (and people).
What has become disconnected in us has lost faith; it no longer believes it can be connected. It feels a lack of confidence, is frozen in the trauma and overwhelm from the original experience, and is unable to be properly seen and heard.
So we will hear these voices, some softer than others.
As a culture we are very uncomfortable with these voices. The aspect of ourselves that feels unloved and worthless we quickly try to quiet and persevere despite. The difficulty is that what this aspect wants is to feel loved and worthwhile… not ignored, fought against, and traumatized again.
If we are already out of balance, those disconnected aspects of self can cloud, create delusions, and perpetrate chaos in this world.
Those aspects of ourselves seek completion, an end to that cycle. Situations will arise from that disconnected aspect of self to “replay” or to seek healing. I call these situations “loops” because unless we heal energies related to, for example, our parents divorcing when we were six, we are in different ways going to find ourselves in situations repeating that situation in varying ways… but we are also going to seek out those situations actively so that the beliefs that were created out of trauma can be consolidated.
Basically, the inner six year old will not only seek out women who remind him/her of their mother, but will have an odd sense of satisfaction when the woman leaves him/her for another man, because all women leave their families
The more wounded we are, the further we are from wholeness, the less the pure, divine voice and force within us can be heard.
The good news is that we have such a voice. We know what we should do with ourselves, who we are, from a place of health, wholeness, and connection.
Although we believe we are disconnected, we never are. We have just taken on the beliefs of the traumatized selves who needed to separate to simply survive whatever situation they were experiencing.
It is by listening to that voice, by being willing to hear that voice, that we can begin to align with health and connection, rather than the unhealed crowd.
Although it is much easier for someone to do this when it is less of a football stadium filled with voices and more of a small, intimate party, it still can be accessed. It will often be believed more, and actually listened to (and discerned properly) by people who have personal readiness to do so, which typically is a point that requires some healing efforts to get to, however.
One of the difficulties of the spiritual awakening process, if you are in a more “sudden” (category in my book, The Spiritual Awakening Guide) or intense categories (such as kundalini awakenings) is that the body goes through a purification process.
This purification process takes decades, if someone is going through a full kundalini awakening. At the start of the process for someone going through a significant/intense awakening, especially if there is no or not much personal background in the subject, is a feeling of a battle being waged.
They blame kundalini, they feel out of control, and often feel a bit of rage at difficulty in finding useful information on the subject (it is out there, but spiritual information that is worthwhile is often like swimming through a swamp to find a single pearl at the depths of it).
It takes a while into the process to realize that the difficulty isn’t kundalini. Kundalini is divine flow, cosmic grace, what is revealing the “true self” or “true voice”.
The difficulty is that the upheaval of what has been stored in the body (all our past traumas and various layers of stuff we have taken on, our illusions/delusions and rules we have been given, our physical and environmental toxins) puts the person into yet a new state of trauma and overwhelm; that in which beliefs can be created out of. Beliefs like I am at war with this process or I don’t believe this process is happening.
There is always ego to be traversed as well, the seeing through of the part of self that wants to feel superior, and uses a process like “awakening” to do so. If a spiritual awakening is seen through to any sort of depth, humility and “grace” are found… rather than beliefs that the person is the greatest “x” in history, or is on the eighth level when everyone else in history has only been to the seventh.
If there is any realization that I have found amongst “awakened” people, it is of how much more there is always to learn, and a sense of an ever-increasing web in which one is simply but a strand. How there is always more to heal, to learn, to expand, to understand.
There is also the realization that someone who is mentally imbalanced can use the process to fuel delusion, rather than clarity, but that is perhaps a whole blog in and of itself. I will just say that a freeing of beliefs is experienced during any type of spiritual awakening, as well as moving beyond control (illusions of control or rules needed out of feeling lack of control) and if that isn’t happening, or if the physical/emotional/energetic/spiritual nature of someone isn’t moving towards greater clarity, peace of mind, and a freedom from rules and ideologies, that might be something to look at.
It is often very hard for someone authentically experiencing a kundalini awakening to come to grips with it in our culture. This is because the experience is really rather peculiar in a lot of ways, that it is something that is not understood in our culture (or is used in a manner far removed from the authentic experience or understanding of it), but primarily due to the amount of information/past traumas and associated beliefs coming up for processing/healing as well as the shifts in resultant beliefs and expansion of worldview can happen in a very short period of time.
Too short to really get your head around before you start going into another massive shift of self. There is little understanding or appreciation for the fact that spiritual awakening experiences, especially when more “sudden” are traumatizing in and of themselves. That alongside the “purification” and old wounds arising, that the processing and experiencing of such shifts is a form of trauma as well. Trauma that can be healed and worked with when it has been moved beyond a bit.
There is typically a distinct shift when the person begins to realize that kundalini is releasing what is false. What is illusory. This is when the person typically accepts that they are going through the process and quits waging a large war on themselves and surrenders or works in conjunction with the process.
The uniqueness of spiritual awakenings is that they are leading us to greater health, greater flow. When we are in greater flow we are feeling who we truly are (our “true self”) as well as our mind is quieted enough from the sea of voices that we can access that true voice.
Or at least hear it distinctly.
It is possible to begin listening to the true voice if you still have quite a bit to work on, though. But if you have one voice stating that you should go back to school, change your relationship, adopt more discipline, or that you are worth greater things and five other voices telling you that you essentially suck, chances are that you may either side with the unhealed voices, or you will not have the faith to hear your true voice, or willingness to take any sort of action towards it.
Things like kundalini awakenings do allow for the unhealed and resistant aspects of ourselves to clear. What is difficult is that we often cling to our most unhealed things. We believe large illusions about ourselves and the world, we create conspiracy theories, or we create myths that we have nothing to look at or work on; these are so large that we don’t think to question them.
In our thoughts of what is “good” and “pure” offered to us by an unhealed collective, we all wage wars on ourselves. We push large portions of ourselves aside, or seek to turn them into a puritanical “light”.
Nothing ever heals by being pushed aside, told it is “bad” or to “shut up” or being forcibly changed into something.
Our anger doesn’t want to be love. It wants to be angry, and to let you know why it is angry. It likely has a completely valid reason to feel that way.
Obviously, such sentiments are meant for people ready for them. If you are significantly out of balance working on such things is best after stability is experienced, or with the assistance of someone who is clear, balanced, and experienced at their craft (be it healer, therapist, spiritual worker, etc).
If we are awakening, we can pay attention to what our relationships are showing us. They are showing us something unhealed, and finding its source and working with it compassionately will quiet it (integrate it/allow you to become more whole).
One of the ways that we can find out what needs to be healed is to look towards our interpersonal relationships. There are likely one of two things going on:
- They are showing you a “loop”– something from your past that requires healing. In the beginning, these are more obvious (such as from childhood). Later, we may find “loops” that we do not have conscious awareness of, like from familial, ancestral, or past lives. The first thing to look for, if this is new for you, is to question if you are having the same type of relationship with different people (same unhealed energy/many faces). Do you always have trouble with your boss? Your teachers? Your relationships?
- In true “shadow work” you can look at every person as an aspect of you that needs tending to. What we get upset by in another is often something we have disassociated from within ourselves. This works for both “negative” as well as “positive” traits, however. If we continually find ourselves jealous of a type of person, we have likely disassociated from that as well.
Obviously there are some limitations towards this. We do not create the world– we project our unhealed issues onto one another, as well as notice things and are bothered about things in others because there is a resonance or call to attention there. Sometimes people are people, and are simply unhealed, jerks, delusional, and so forth. Even if we heal many of our “loops” they will still be that way.
But there is a separation that can be had as you realize that many people are simply walking around with this chorus of unhealed energies and cannot find vital access to their souls. While there still can be emotional reaction at times (like if someone almost runs you off the road you have a right to be upset and should be upset) there can be realization and clarity in knowing that they are projecting and looping and enrolling you in their “play” and you can step away from being cast. You can find a previous blog that discusses this here…
But once we begin attending to our unhealed natures, once we allow ourselves to connect, we can listen to that true voice. We can realize that our resistance can be listened to just like any aspect of us… and that what it is saying is that it is unhealed, it is afraid, and it is wounded. By compassionately working on ourselves, even our resistance, we can begin to realize our inherent wholeness, and move more towards it in our outer reality and bodies.