Monthly Archives: May 2017

5 Steps to Release Toxic People

We all have interacted with toxic people. They may be family members, friends (or former friends), neighbors, clients, customers, colleagues, or our boss.

The toxic person is akin to an energy vampire (which I go over here) and in many ways is strikingly similar. Both people are looking to take energy from others because they lack vital energy or access to their own power.

The way that it differs (at least in my mind) is that energy vampires are simply looking to siphon energy. They have a black hole of sorts within them that they are looking to fill. The difficulty, of course, is that hole can never be filled by the energy of another, and unless that person chooses to look for healing and a restoration of the power that they lost, they will continually look to fill themselves with energy (or with drugs or food or experiences).

Toxic individuals have this same black hole, the same sort of missing of essence, but they are filled with such negativity and chaos that they are continually seeking to enact drama and chaos in the outer world. They not only are taking energy, but also shoving their unhealed pain and emotions onto everyone they interact with. This is because they lack the capacity to deal with the amount of unhealed emotions they have within, or because the severity of a trauma that typically occurred in early childhood has caused for them to have a world view (and their energy system/body will reflect this belief and filter energies this way) that people (and the world) are continually out to harm them.

If someone is stuck in this state, it means that they are continually looking to take as much as they can from the world and the people in it, without offering anything of themselves. This will be done in an antagonistic way, as this person is desperate for the healthy connections that being nourished by people and the world create, but as they feel that the world is a place that is frightening or out to get them, they will not connect… and will look to take from the world by any means necessary, without understanding or having the capacity to see what this taking creates… or at the very least, that their world view may be a bit skewed by past trauma.


How to Know Someone is Toxic
Generally, how we can understand someone to be toxic is that we walk away feeling “slimed” by them. This is sometimes quite literal (at least on an energetic level).

Even if we are not particularly sensitive, there is likely someone in your office or in your life that you inwardly groan whenever they contact you. This is because you leave the situation feeling drained or negative. This is likely not only because of the unneeded drama of the situation, but because you are left taking care of the “slimy” emotions of another, and your system is attempting to deal with it.

This is not just your perception, by the way. People like this the whole office will dislike. This is the person who enters a room and everyone will move or even simply leave so as not to interact with them.

Toxic individuals have little capacity to deal with their emotions and inner chaos and so they are continually looking to push their unhealed emotions and issues onto others. Relationships with them are always and continually about them. While it is trendy to talk about narcissism these days (and there certainly can be some crossover), someone who is truly toxic has no capacity to see or listen beyond themselves and their own experiences of this world.

They are unhealed to the extent that they have no way, no energy, to hold vital space to listen or even see the experiences of those around them. They simply cannot due to the weight of what lies unhealed within them; if we lack vital essence we have nothing to offer to others, and we simply look at the world and the people in it as something to “take” as much of as possible before we are stopped.

In addition to “pushing” their emotions onto others, toxic individuals continually create drama and chaos. This is to recreate whatever is unhealed within them. They will often lack the tools and capacity to recognize that they are doing this, and will often feel as if the world, and all the people in it, are against them.

They are unable to be in groups, don’t interact well with their colleagues, and don’t establish or maintain friendships. In their mind this is always the fault of the group, the work environment, or the world for not accepting them, and every interaction will fuel the ideology that the world is against them, and that they are completely disconnected from everything and everyone. It is a painful way to exist, and the pain of these individuals is palpable.


In my cording book (which you can find here) I talk about how important cord work is for all of our relationships. In most forms of “cord work” there is talk of cutting cords, and while I find that basic technique effective (and include it in the book), really understanding the energetics of the cord and altering the energetic dynamics of the cord is much more effective (and is gone over in the book).

I mention this because in the book I talk about assessing how much energy we bring vs. take in our relationships. Ideally our relationships would be equal– us offering 50 percent and receiving 50 percent in our relationships. This is true for any relationship, even seemingly “unequal” ones like parent/child, teacher/student, boss/worker etc.

The toxic individual will be taking up more than 90 percent of the energy in this relationship, as well as moving their unhealed emotions through the cord in an effort to get you to engage or take care of them.

Although I understand that the word “toxic” is something of a harsh word, it is really easy to feel compassionate for individuals like this. They are in so much pain and feel such emptiness and they continually live in a world, and perpetuate a world, of incredible chaos.

I have found that the less healed someone is, the less capacity that they have to take personal responsibility for themselves. The toxic individual lacks this capacity to an extent that they are continually expecting others to extend their time and energy when they have nothing to offer of themselves, and create such drama that they will always find someone to engage with and “vent” their issues to in an attempt to get others to not only ascribe to their world view, but to take on their pain for them. This drama fuels the chaos and ideologies around people, or the world, disliking or not wanting them. Frequently toxic individuals are stuck in an infantile state, continually looking for the nourishment and vital energy they did not receive in their childhood.


Someone being in such pain does not mean that you need to take care of it, however. It does not mean that there is any personal responsibility on your part to either offer them your energy, to take on their unhealed emotions, or to participate in whatever drama they are seeking to cast you in.

Learning these five steps will allow for you to recognize and work with even the most toxic of individuals:

Step One: Recognize your own “stuff”
We may believe someone is toxic because it suits our own worldview. If we determine someone to be “toxic” or “narcissistic”, “arrogant”, or any other word we wish to put on someone, it may be more supportive of our own unhealed emotions or illusions (or not wanting said illusions to be shattered) than anything else.

I went over how to work with this in detail in a two-part blog you can read here (it is about internet trolls, but the same sentiments apply)

Generally if we have an emotional reaction to someone (more than, “ugh, that person is super toxic. get them away from me”), especially one that persists (beyond being rightfully and momentarily angry, surprised… as in you are still thinking about the interaction hours or days later) it is a good indicator that the person is showing you something that you could internally heal.

Whether the person is actually toxic or not is sort of beside the point in this scenario, but by taking personal responsibility for our end of things, we can begin to clearly see the dynamics of others.

Step Two: Recognize what the Toxic Person is doing
Cord work can really help with this, but noticing energetic dynamics of interpersonal interactions is essential to having truly healthy, dynamic relationships.

Do you feel drained, angry, or more chaotic after interacting with someone? Does someone expect for you to do all the work in your relationship?

There are more questions that can be asked here, but in simplicity it is really noticing where your energy is going… as well as what energies you are taking on.

In an equal relationship, there can be occasional instances of being “drained” (like if someone is going through a crisis) but I am talking more about observing your interactions with a person over time to get a baseline understanding of what is going on.

I am not saying that all of our interactions should be sheer joy, but we should gain something out of our connections. If we are not, that is something to consider.

If you are finding yourself angry after interacting, it often is a sign that some breach of boundaries has happened.


Step Three: Setting up Boundaries
We live in a world in which healthy boundaries haven’t been modeled terribly well. This means that a lot of people have to start from scratch to really discover what their personal boundaries are.

Boundaries are really what we allow in vs. what we put out.

This is, of course, a simplistic definition, and the process of discovering how much of yourself you are willing to offer to others is an ongoing task. It is somewhat lucky that we live in a world in which so many will want to question, tear down, or assume that you have no boundaries, as it will give anyone working on this subject more than enough capacity to begin to build and practice maintaining their boundaries.

The difficulty with boundaries is that they are different for different people. I have different boundaries for my family members, for my friends, and for my students. My boundaries for my students are fairy strict, and tend to be the same for all of my students. My boundaries for my friends are much more fluid, and depend on the friendship.

The toxic individual needs to be reminded, and often, about what your boundaries are. This also requires the capacity to stick to them, by the way.

I recommend saying an inward “no” often to people that are attempting to move beyond your boundaries. This sometimes needs to be paired with an out loud “no”, but the inward “no” is a start, as it begins the process of setting up energetic boundaries.

Step Four: Don’t Rise to the Bait
If you erect boundaries, what will either happen with truly toxic individuals is that they will either find someone else to interact with, or they will double their efforts to create drama and chaos with you.

This will often lead to them being disrespectful, antagonizing, offensive, or overly dramatic in a last effort to engage you in their dynamics.

It may lead to someone also doing a form of “hero worship” in which they butter someone up and tell someone how fantastic they are in an effort to move beyond boundaries. This is more difficult to acknowledge, as it appeals to our ego, but it will still not feel right, and will often end with you ending up firmly off whatever pedestal they have put you on.

The difficulty with this is that someone being disrespectful, obnoxious, or appealing to our instincts to protect (such as toxic individuals who say they are going to kill themselves if someone doesn’t respond or offer attention, which is truly the worst form of this, as none of us want someone else to harm themselves) will bring out our own “stuff”, our own fears and drama.

Work with your own emotions and “stuff” (repeat #1) until you can simply and clearly assert your boundaries as well as engage neutrally with them. I have found that it is best not to call them out, as they are looking for the drama, and it will only perpetuate it or allow for them to create you as “villain” in their minds, or at the very least, add to their unhealed ideologies that the world is against them.

The asserting of outer boundaries (as in, actually telling the person what your boundaries are) done in a neutral (non-emotional) way is also often needed with individuals like this. This does require both personal work (healing your own emotions to the point where you can feel compassion for the person who is doing this, as interacting with the world like this creates immense difficulty), as well as work on your own boundaries to the extent that you know what they are, can say them succinctly, and so you actually stick to them when someone is attempting to broach them, though.

Step #5: Assess Your Relationship
It can be easy to simply state to cut this person out of your life. It is easy for me to say to quit your job, stop communicating with a particular family member, or dissolve a friendship.

It is harder if you are a waiter and have a toxic customer that comes in every Tuesday, really need a job and like your work, except for that one toxic colleague, or have a friendship that has lasted over many years to accomplish that.

The world is full of people, and many of them are unhealed. Some of them are toxic. And it is likely you will need to interact with them by establishing boundaries and saying “no”. I do suggest cutting toxic people out of your life, if you are able to, though.

For people that I need to interact with for whatever reason, I will outwardly establish my boundaries. I will tell them exactly what my boundaries are, and combined with my not responding to their drama, this often works. This works by the person either choosing to interact in a more healthy way with me, or often will result in the sort of baiting and upping of the ante on their part until they recognize that I won’t interact with them in that way.

In my line of work, I encounter a lot of people who are quite unhealed to the point of being toxic, and it is generally my job to be healed enough to not perpetuate or fuel their illusions or unhealed patterns. If we take full and complete responsibility for ourselves, we can recognize that we do not need to take responsibility for the issues of others, that we do not need to be “cast” in a role that others are seeking you for in their illusion and pain, and we can establish boundaries to ensure our safety and well-being.

This all starts with doing your own work, with understanding the interplay between your own wounds and illusions… and the wounds and illusions of another, and choosing to look at your own “stuff” first and foremost. By healing ourselves, we find the boundaries and the self-worth so that even with the most toxic and unhealed of individuals, we can simply establish boundaries and move on with our lives.

Modern Shamanism and Neglected Spirits

One of my largest critiques of the “modern” shamanic movement is that it has stripped away any form of actual spirit interaction. It has, in its own way, stripped away the “spirits” from spiritual work.

If you read modern shamanic books, you will come away with the thought that spiritual work is about the law of attraction, changing your thoughts, ascending to another dimension, or ecospirituality, such as the trend towards permaculture.

If the subject of “spirits” is broached, it is done in an antagonistic or polarizing way. Spirits are “bad”; they are to be cleared, they are to be feared. The idea of purity or cleansing is often used, as if any one of us could be “clear”. I do find cleansing practices quite important (I teach a course in this, as it is the first step anyone should immerse themselves in if they intend to authentically work with spirit) but we live in a world immersed in spirit, in spirits. They are all around us, a part of our lives, a part of our bodies, a part of our world.

The spiritual is not separate from us. Spirits are not separate from us. They are a part of the house we moved into, the history of the land we are on. Spirits and beings are in our yard, our woods, the park. There is a spirit in the lake near you, spirits on your nearest train or on the bus you ride each day.

The idea that all these spirits need to be “cleared”, or even that they could be… that we are intended to be in a world without spirits, signifies our deep disconnect and fear of the spiritual. It is an unhealed ideology, based on a false illusion of separation from the spiritual, and from spirit itself.

We come from a lineage of spirits. Our ancestors are a part of our blood, they are a part of our spiritual power (which is why I suggest working with ancestors as your first spirit contact. I also have a course in this) Elementals and beings of all varieties, including “former humans” are all around us, populating a world that overlays and integrates with our own.

It is a question of if we notice more than the crass physicality of our world or not. If we notice and have ventured beyond the safety of human conditioning to do so.


There are many reasons why the “spirits” have been stripped away from modern shamanism.

The first reason is fear.

We deeply fear what we cannot see, that which we cannot firmly touch and claim as our own. That which is beyond our rules, beyond our human constructs and mind that grasps to know and rule.

The thought that we are a part of a world in which even the most highly psychic of us can only see a certain percentage of is truly terrifying to those who fear such things, who try to contain such things to a specific thought.

When we fear something, we create rules. This allows us to feel as if spirit follows the rules that we have concocted to ensure our personal needs for feeling safe and in control. The biggest “rule” that modern shamanism has created is the belief that spirits are singularly “compassionate” or not. Generally if someone says to me that spirits can only be compassionate or non-compassionate I know that they do not have the sight to know that the world is literally teeming with spirits and beings of all types, and that they have never authentically interacted with a spirit.

It is no longer shocking or in any way surprising to me that modern shamanism doesn’t believe in spirits, that there are even many practitioners that have no faith or belief in the spiritual who call themselves spiritual practitioners.

People generally find what they are looking for, and I realized at a certain point that what I was offering was the equivalent of broccoli to people who have been fed a steady diet of cotton candy. I am not the only one to offer said broccoli stalk (of course), but the “cotton candy” ideas allow for one to remain in a zone of safety. They do not require any kind of sight or spiritual capacity and focus on psychological self-help.

This is what most people want, as most people do not have spiritual sight or capacity, and simply wish to feel a bit less shitty about themselves. The difficulty, of course, is when someone who has no sight or capacity for spiritual work becomes a spiritual worker. Sight is a part of the job requirements, and it is hard to untangle some of the messes that are created by folks who lack it. I generally do my best to be compassionate these days, but as this is a field that has no outward, technical requirements for entry, and there is a trend away from actually having an authentic, physical teacher that might gently (or not so gently, if you are ready to hear it) tell someone that they should work on themselves first, or that they might want to consider if their spirit guides are mental creations or not… or that they should perhaps pick another career, or that maybe they shouldn’t be teaching shamanism with six months of “shamanic” experience, or that perhaps their creation of a “new paradigm” of shamanism and recreation of a wheel without capacity or study/understanding of the wheel before it isn’t needed, and moreover, may be quite silly…I see a lot that makes me shake my head, upsets me, or occasionally makes me want to go take one of those fake Facebook post jobs where you can move to Italy and be a caretaker for a random place somewhere.


In some forms of witchcraft, there is the idea of the “hedge”– it really best illustrates this fear, and what is problematic about modern shamanism.

In this concept, the “hedge” separates the contained world. What is contained (between the hedges) is the world of rules, of appropriate societal conduct, of the mind creating illusion and separation. It is our community, what we have constructed as community, and what we consider as “reality”.

To switch up systems, I operate from a quasi-theosophy based system in which I consider there to be our physical body, our emotional body, our mental body, and then our spiritual body. Each of these are “containers” (no, I didn’t put the “etheric” body in there, as it correlates with the physical body in this simplistic example).

Each of these “bodies” has a specific container. This means that if we are at the “densest” or most constrictive container, we only focus on our physical body. If we move outward, we are operating from a place solely based on our emotions– our unhealed ones, at that. Much of modern shamanism is in a firm, mental container.

This is still part of the “hedge”, within the boundaries of polite and disciplined society. This is the level that we create rules out, it is the level that allows for a “top-down” or more expanded look at our emotions (as each container contains the previous ones).

What it does not do is allow for a moving beyond the containers, a moving beyond the hedge, and into actual spiritual experience.


We deeply fear the spiritual because we recognize its wildness, its otherness. We deeply fear these aspects of ourselves– we prefer to contain them, to push them aside, to stay in the “light” of not only what we deem acceptable about ourselves, but what society has taught us is acceptable.

Without traversing our own depths, we cannot traverse the hedge– we cannot make it out of the maze of our own mental creations, our own projected unmet psychological needs, and the rules we have created to ensure our safety and feelings of being in control.

Shamanic work was brought to the West by people who lacked sight. To psychologists, the work was psychological. To anthropologists, the shaman represented the proverbial “other”.

The combination of these two is devastating to real spirit contact, and to having authentic spiritual experiences. This is because the word “shaman” has turned into something that provides a tidy explanation for “othering” in our culture. What this means is that we now have a culture in which people who have experienced severe fracturing as a form of early childhood abuse now believe that they are “shamans”. When we experience trauma, we formulate beliefs from those traumas… and the belief of a child that has experienced severe abuse will always be that they are that proverbial “other”: that they dislike or hate people, that the world is out to get them, and that they are separate and disconnected from anyone and everything in this world.

The modern shamanic movement feeds into this dissociative and trauma-based fracturing by providing an outlet for people to feed the unmet needs and daydreams of a child that is frozen in time and locked within. This means that people do not receive the care that they need… and their delusions and dissociative tendencies are perpetuated, instead of healed.

If we have created our spiritual reality out of wounds, out of pain, we not only are not immersing in greater spiritual reality but our experiences of the spiritual realm will mimic the abuse– at the far end of this people will believe that they are being constantly attacked. This belief or understanding that one is a “shaman” then allows the person to hang on to their pain, to their beliefs, and to create a spiritual reality out of that unhealed pain and feelings of separation and disconnection. I have seen this for so long and on a daily basis, and as it is rare that people who have created realities like this for themselves are open to questioning it, even if it means that their lives would vastly improve if they healed whatever is causing them to feel “other”, or whatever that pain is that caused them to fracture or separate from feeling human, loved, or appropriately nurtured by the world and the people in it.


Having shamanic capacity is fairly rare. I have met perhaps a dozen or so people who have it. There is something that happens when you hop over that hedge, when you truly are in concert with spirit, with that “other”– with the wild, vast terrain that is beyond human thought. It marks you, and is easily spotted. The path of the shaman, mystic, root worker, witch, magician, occultist, and other spiritual paths can allow one to come into contact with it. There are many more in the other categories, and I won’t go over definitions here, but if you have traversed that hedge you will notice others who have done so as well, no matter what their spiritual path or label to get there has been.

Trauma of varying types cracks us open. It allows us to examine our deeper parts, to know more than just the crassly physical.If we do not have a reason to look beyond the superficial, the physical container, we tend to remain on the surface of reality. We all know people like this, and those of us on a significant spiritual path may have been jealous at one point of those who can live on the surface, who can play-act the spiritual, and who have not had to be immersed in it. This requires healing, as those who have authentically leaped over the “hedge” can receive the deep connection and nurturing, as well as alliances, to come into a source of flow with what lies beyond that hedge.

So what is beyond the hedge?

It is much easier in a lot of ways to describe what shamanism is “not”– it is not simplistic dualities. It is not a bunch of rules intended to keep the fears of the spirit world, and spirits, at bay. It is not a way to disappear or disassociate due to unhealed trauma. It is not an idea that anything spiritual has nothing to do with this world, and that we should all be clear or free from any sort of spirit contact.

In many ways what is beyond that hedge is what we truly fear. Unknowable, vast, and in many ways uncaring. It is easy to tell when someone has a degree of spirit contact, because not only do they go beyond the “compassionate/non-compassionate” thing, but they realize that there is an entire spirit world out there that not only has little to do with them, that not only is not centered around them, but is just fine without them.

One of the funnier things that I find about the “fear and clear” mentality is that this idea perpetuates a myth not only that spirits are not intended to be a part of our world, but that if we notice them we must declare “sovereignty” and clear them out of our space. The fact that you may be clearing out a kindly grandmother or grandfather who built the house that you are living in from his own two hands and simply might want a bit of peace in his/her favorite place after eighty years of human form based suffering never enters into the equation for those who have this deep fear of the spiritual.

I have worked so many times with spirits who were showed the door or people in their “shamanic wisdom” tried to shove away who were protectors of a land or place, who were fulfilling duties after death that they agreed to, who were protecting occupants from more dangerous spirits and beings (and then those come out after the “clearing”), or who simply wanted a bit of rest before moving on.

When spirit contact is established, the concept of “right relationship” develops.

This is not a “humans are on top of the food chain and must dominate and everything they say, goes” sort of mentality. This mentality is incredibly destructive, and quite frankly, obnoxious to many spirits and beings who often rightly believe that humans are little more than kindergarteners running around with scissors.

In right relationship with the spirit world, there is a realization that develops that is notable in pretty much anyone who develops an authentic connection to the spirit world, and who interacts with the many being there.

This realization is that archangels and angels can be complete assholes. They can be fierce, don’t care about human thought, and often think that humans are incredibly stupid. Deities can be jealous and don’t really care about you making your car payment on time. Elementals don’t think like humans do and don’t share our ethics or even speech patterns. “Dark spirits” can be direct and straightforward as well as simple to work with (much simpler than living humans, for example). Former humans can be “elevated”, as in healed and willing to be of assistance, but most of them are typically similar to the way they were when they were alive… which is why they are in need of healing and still populating our world.

The realization of complexity of spirits and the spirit world develops, to be simple.


If you go beyond the physical and emotional and mental layers and constructs of this world, you find yourself in the Void. The empty, freefall space… the place that leads to the vast terrains of the spiritual, to the truly seeing and experiencing beyond the capacity of human thought.

What is beyond that place is our own primal nature, our wild, everything we have tried so hard to contain. Everything we tell ourselves is wrong about ourselves. It is beyond our own needs, our own puritanical constructs (even if we do not believe that we are immersed in christianized religion, this is where much of the modern-day ideology of “spirits are evil and must be cleared” comes from). It is freeing, and beautiful. It is endlessly fascinating, and endlessly interesting.

It will change the life and the mentality of someone to realizing how one can traverse immeasurable depths, and once down the proverbial rabbit hole that immenseness just keeps on expanding and expanding to experiences and depths that are simply not talked about, and in many cases are rightly not talked about, or lack words to express.

It moves someone beyond “their” need for rituals and spirit contact. It moves someone from placing pretty flowers on a cloth to bring to the ocean because that is what someone thinks the ocean would like… to actually speaking to the spirit of the ocean, to the elementals who populate in and around the ocean, the beings who inhabit the depths of that ocean, and asking not only if they would like a ritual, but what that ritual should be and what offerings they would like. This is a big difference, and I cannot stress how important this difference in approaches is.

It is like a beautiful, messy freefall to be in a place to explore this “other”. It means continually and constantly learning, constantly expanding, constantly spelunking and discovering what is beyond what you currently know to be true. This world is full of magic, full of spirit, and people, even people on a spiritual path, rarely notice it. They rarely honor it.

To see, and to be willing to see, that our physical world is but a mere glimpse of what lies beneath and beyond it, is beyond the scope of our minds to process, to control, and to allow ourselves to experience.


It is sad to me how watered down and lacking of spirit much of modern day spiritual work is. Many of the spirits and beings that I connect with would love to be interacted with appropriately. Greater spirit would love to be honored. How to honor it is not controlling, not by fearing, and not by thinking that you are commander. It is by truly honoring, listening, and understanding that you are in a vast network, a vastly infinite universe in which you are not the center but simply a participant, that spirit contact can be made.

It is by breaking outside of your mind, the mind that creates so much of your world, and by questioning what lies beyond your own needs for the Universe, that such contact can be created.

This contact is life-changing. It is healing. It allows one to not only realize that they are not separate, but that they are truly and deeply connected, that the world is full with wonder, and that with an understanding and belief that the world is filled with magic, beauty, and spirit (and spirits) that the world changes from just a materialist self-centered existence to being unique, dangerous, blissful, safe, and everything else all at once.

In many ways, it is a conscious choice to open our eyes. To move beyond what we have been taught. To let go of the control and the fear. To realize that if we go from noticing one percent of the universe to two percent, that not only will we be okay, but we may discover some things about ourselves and the universe that will directly impact our lives and allow for us to expand beyond our conceptions of ourselves.

The difficulty is that this either requires natural sight, something like the physical evocation and manifestation of a being (which forms of magic do, to get people out of the materialist mentality), or something else to “crack’ the person open enough to be willing to move beyond the physically based universe and into the seeing of what is around them.

While this capacity does not require a huge amount of personal stability, it also requires discernment as to what is self-created vs. what is not, and people rarely like to do this as the first “spirits” we meet are typically our own sub-personalities and what we have shoved aside, especially if we are of the “love and light” variety, or the mental creation of a “guide” who will tell someone how wonderful they are and who will perpetuate the psychological wounds and illusory material created by those wounds of the spiritual seeker.

Moving away from this sort of stuff takes time, and willingness. If we have created an entire universe for ourselves based off of an inner wounded child, it is unlikely that we will destroy it, even if it is creating pain for us.

Even if our rules, our pain, and our needs for the spirit world to be a certain way are separating us from spirit, from the spirit world, it is a question of whether we are able and willing to move beyond that. Those that are can move from feeling disconnected, fragmented and isolated in a physically based world in which they don’t really believe in spirit (despite secretly hungering for it) and on to healing the parts of themselves that seek such separation, that believe themselves to be “other”, and into truly being connected to something, for perhaps the first time.


It sometimes saddens me that people are so far removed from spirit, especially when they consider themselves “shamans” or “spiritual workers” (or any other form of title). Our world desperately needs a return to honoring spirit, to working on our inner shadow so we can move beyond the fear and dissociative trauma-based projections of spirit and needs for control of spirit.

Greeting the spirits of your home, of your yard, and of your neighborhood is a good way to start. Do this without expectation that they will be your “helper” or that they will tell you wonderful things focused on your needs. Do so without asking in return for anything. Although this is simple, it will begin to not only take someone beyond the idea that the spirit world is there just for the taking, and centered around the needs and illusions of the Self, but it will begin to allow the spirit world to see that humans are not just looking to take, and that they are actually listening.

Spirit, and spirits, are always there. It is a two-way street, in which we develop a relationship. What we give, how much we are willing to connect, how far we are willing to move beyond our own fear, to traverse our own depths, is always reflected in how much we can expand, what universes we can traverse, and if and when we can move beyond the confines of the hedge and into spirit, and spiritual, contact.

Moving Beyond the True Self

There is a continual search for the “true”, “authentic” or “pure” self in spiritual and neo-shamanic traditions; the idea that if we just move away the clutter and the pain that we would be one personality, one self, one integrated whole.

This is an important quest, by the way. Finding out who we are, the sort of quest of individuation and realization of who we are in relation to the world… what unique essence or capabilities we have that could be of benefit to the world… this is all important, and this quest is understandable and necessary.

In neo-shamanic and modern spiritual circles, this quest can perpetuate the sort of selfishness and entitlement that comes from not having an outer purpose. If we do not desire anything beyond our own egoic aims, such as the thought of “finding ourselves” really is (or can be), we tend to lack the capacity to see beyond ourselves and our own experiences of this world.

We may, in fact, move into a spiritual path with eyes willfully closed, creating our relationship with spirit, and the spiritual path, as one of righteous indignation and wounding, rather than greater expansion beyond who we currently are and what our wounds and restrictions are. In worst case scenarios, we can use a spiritual path to completely close ourselves off to anything beyond our own basic ideas of ourselves.


Awakening allows for the capacity to move and see beyond yourself (as a simplistic notion). It allows for the realization that what we think is important is often illusory and fleeting. It is a path of being able and willing to look at what restrictions we have, what beliefs that we have constructed and been given, and what sort of blind reactions that we have in this world. We can move through this world in a state of willful blindness and ignorance or one of being really willing to see… despite that seeing causing our concepts of ourselves that we have constructed with such care and out of such pain to release and dissolve.

It is a path that leads to gradually more and more realization of how selfish we are, and how in that selfishness we rarely consider one another, empathize with one another, or have the capacity or willingness to understand and see how we impact others and what we are bringing to this world.

Reconciling that innate selfishness that binds us to only consider ourselves is a part of the spiritual path. Being willing to see our own selfishness is a tall order, but being willing to see this allows for us to move beyond it and into oneness and further freedom (release of restrictions and that which creates pain in us).

We do not awaken by surrounding ourselves with people who all are the same as ourselves. We tend to put ourselves in a bubble, only interacting with people who are exactly the same as us, and with the same ideas. It takes a fair amount of willingness and effort to move beyond this bubble… and many choose not to.


I was having a talk with someone the other week about how some spiritual aspirants use their spiritual path to consolidate their own ideas and wounds; that instead of this expansion quality, the sort of lessening and easing of personally held beliefs and ideas, and the interaction with new ideas and movement beyond the Self, that people can become quite righteous, closing off themselves to anything that is outside of their own experience, and into a sort of bubble or cocoon of their own creation.

I sat with the realization for a long time that there were some folks who I chatted with who had been on a spiritual path for ten, twenty, or thirty years who totally and completely lacked any sort of consciousness. There had been no expansion, no movement beyond the self.

Many of these sorts were of a duller consciousness than those who were taking their first steps on the spiritual path– they had no capacity to understand their intuition, no openness to hearing about anything other than they had already thought of, and often with a stockpile of emotions and quite chaotic lives… which tends to happen to people who pursue spiritual activities and workshops without personally processing and integrating them.


Moving towards some greater purpose: looking for “truth”, or expansion beyond the self allows for one to not get caught in this egoic nature– of having the wounds and needs of the mind create a spiritual path for the person– this path (or tendency to bubble in a sort of solopsistic universe) is mentioned here because in order to move beyond the “true” self, we must first understand the true self, and where many may create diversions for themselves on the spiritual path.

And our true selves are way beyond the capacity of our own mental creations, which typically seek control, order, and are based off of what we already know (and need to be) “truth”. If our minds create our spiritual reality, we lose our tether towards any sort of expansion or truth, and despite authentically seeking– going to workshops, immersing ourselves in teachings, and so forth– we can restrict ourselves from ever really experiencing anything.

The question would be then how would we know? How would we know that we are on a correct spiritual path, and that we are, in fact expanding?

The simple answer to this is that if we are creating and following more rules, have more restrictions, and our spiritual path is only about ourselves, that we may be moving towards a selfish spiritual path.

But the real testament is that if life is chaotic, painful, and the spiritual path is not leading to wholeness and peace, there is something there to heal. Our lives are notoriously messy, and human, and the purpose would not be to have a life completely free from those elements, but there is great stillness and peace that emanates from those who have had spiritual attainment that they have properly integrated… despite what may be going on in their existence… and what they have attained is not only palpable but noticeable by even those who are not what we would refer to as “sensitive” in any capacity.

What this means is that even if there is chaos, difficulty, and all that life can throw at someone on the spiritual path… overall there should be more freedom and a basic movement away from the drama and chaos that we tend to perpetuate in an unhealed state. If our spiritual path is creating more and more imbalance, that may be a temporary necessity, but overall there should be more maturity, peace, and ability to understand and feel compassion for those different than you… as well as the ability to move beyond the sort of chains of basic self-interest that bind so many.


What a lot of people seemingly misunderstand is the sort of idea of thresholds or spiritual bases of knowledge; that we must pass through a specific initiation to move beyond it.

The true self is one of those gateways.

When we move closer and closer to this true self– releasing the wounds and baggage we carry, healing, understanding who we are at the deepest levels– we realize that the true self is one of those thresholds. It is not a final destination.

When we reach this destination we discover that the idea of a “true self” is just a stopping point, a doorway into understanding a greater truth.

This is like much knowledge– what we know and what we have embodied (processed and directly experienced… as in intellectualism on a spiritual path will only lead someone so far without direct experience) takes us until we reach a specific doorway/wall or initiation.

We then realize that our search is over in the sense that we move beyond that quest, as we realize such a quest is an illusion.

In this case, there is a discovery that we are not one, centralized Self, not one “true” self, but a variety of energies making us up. We may have a part of ourselves that wishes to go out on a ten mile run, and another that wants to watch Netflix in our sweatpants.

Those forces within us are not in opposition, they need not battle. They are simply different aspects of ourselves. We can be both shy and violent, both masculine and feminine, and have differing aspects of ourselves that have a different voice, different aims, and different thoughts on what we should be doing with ourselves.

We tend to believe that these parts of ourselves are in opposition; they are at war. They are not, and we need not castigate the parts of ourselves that are not socially appropriate for our conceptualization of ourselves.


If we are shy, that does not mean that we need not be also loud and defiant. If we are known as being an extrovert, that does not mean that we constantly need to be “on” because we are known for our extroversion.

By understanding our multiplicity, and that we have different forces within us, different personalities and sub-personalities, we can realize that we are, in fact, many things.

We do like the idea of ourselves as being one concrete whole, as if we look hard enough and for long enough we will come to believe ourselves to be this shiny, white, perfected light.

What happens when we find and peer into that light is that moving beyond the initiation of the “true self” will lead one to their complexity, their messiness, and working with the forces within.

Ideally these forces would be treated equally, and with compassion. There is a neglected voice within us that wants us to relax and eat chocolate. We often brutally shove down that voice because we are a culture of “doers”… or we engage in that activity constantly without really satiating it because we are thinking about how bad we are for relaxing, or doing something non-productive.

Obviously for this sentiment to be understood we need to be past the point of understanding logically that if a voice within us seeks to cause us harm, that we should not create harm to ourselves and others. So if anyone is not past that point yet, this realization is not yet something that should be considered, and other healing is necessary.

But if we consider that energetically we are many things– we are many forces coming together– from the personal to the archetypal, from the elemental to past lives to ancestors, from world and local energies coming together as you were being formed at a specific point in history– we can understand the forces that create us, the different aims within us, and move beyond the threshold of the “true self” to understand ourselves in multiplicity… and cease the battle.

We can be okay and truly offer ourselves what differing aspects of ourselves need, without feeling the regret and admonishing of other forces within us. We may wish to be a masculine warrior type one day, and a shy bookworm the next… you can be both a warrior and a bookworm simultaneously in fact… and they are both “you”, they are not in battle with one another, and you can feel compassion and allow for them to simply be a part of you, without seeking or centralizing a simplistic idea of Self, or of True Self, as a quest or guiding force in ones’ life.

So seek the True Self (I teach this in my Discernment course), but realize that it is but a threshold, as much knowledge is… and if you are ready to move beyond that doorway, the “True Self” that has been learned and quested after will disappear… which is as it should be… to attain even deeper knowledge and understanding of Self.